


all my friends are heathens

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Assassin AU, DarkNet, Kidnapping, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Slow Burn, Torture, alternating povs, everyone is ooc in this, lame codenames, suga is a hacker with a pretty face and everyone has a crush on him, suga is way too chill in this, written like a comedy but there's some dark shit goin on lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-07-27 06:47:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7607902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sugawara wasn't a bad guy. he ate his vegetables. he went to church. he practiced safe sex. he recycled. he even fed the stray cats at his dorm. so <i>why</i> was he roped into joining an infamous group of assassins the morning after an awesome one night stand with one of them? what did he do to deserve this?</p><p> </p><p>au in which suga is a hacker who is kidnapped and forced to join a group of hot assassins or else they'll, you know, kill him. also they all kinda wanna bang him, but who doesn't?</p>
            </blockquote>





	all my friends are heathens

**Author's Note:**

> yes i based this off of that brief arc in criminal minds don't judge me i am weak
> 
> unbeta'd

It started out innocently. It was a game to him, really, hacking into secured files. It started with his middle school’s database to change the lunch menu. Then it got riskier. Dangerous. Thrilling. He’d dance away from the angry FBI analysts that tried to track him, punish him for playing games with their oh-so important files and codes. It was just a game to him, one he never lost.

Until today, apparently.

He glared at the handcuff secured around his wrist, forcing him to the dingy metal table. The laptop in front of him was top notch, much better than the one he had at home. He couldn’t even get excited about it. 

“Stop sulking, it’s a waste of that cute face,” a voice behind him crooned. He grimaced, his jaw clenching as the man who had kidnapped him leaned over his shoulder from behind. His face was close, his breath warm, and Sugawara begrudgingly remembered the passionate heat exchanged between them the night before. He hated how fast his heart started beating. He still felt nothing but disgust, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t find his captor kind of hot.

“Was sleeping with me really necessary?” Koushi asked.

The man, who had _told_ Koushi his name was Oikawa but he couldn’t be sure that wasn’t a lie too, grinned. He inched closer, nuzzling his nose against Koushi’s neck. He jerked away with an embarrassing yelping sound. Oikawa laughed.

“No,” he said after a moment. “In fact, Iwa-chan scolded me.” He pouted. Koushi leaned away, nearly toppling off the chair in the process. He would probably break his wrist if he did, so he decided dealing with Oikawa’s obnoxious flirting was the lesser of two evils.

“You sucked in bed anyway,” Koushi said, grinning at the absolutely scandalized look on Oikawa’s face.

“I totally blew your mind!”

“Not really. It was mediocre at best.”

So, Suga may have been lying. Oikawa was great at sex. Like, really great. He knew how to use his tongue, where to touch and how, the way his eyes shined and his lips moved into alluring, cocky smiles. He also liked to dirty talk, which Koushi wasn’t really into, but damn Oikawa sure did change _that_. See, this is why Koushi just didn’t _do_ one night stands. It either ends with a broken heart or being kidnapped and chained to a table in a small cottage in the middle of fucking nowhere.

“You wound me.”

“Good.” Koushi looked down at the handcuffs again. “So, now that your terrible bed skills have been discussed, why the hell did you drug me and trap me to a table?”

Oikawa pursed his lips, leaned back. Koushi had to twist in the chair to look at him. He had his hands shoved into his pockets and his head was tilted back as if he was thinking, his bright brown eyes fixed on the ceiling. Koushi just knew he was playing dumb, which wasn’t appreciated very well in this situation.

“We know all about you, Sugawara Koushi,” he said after another fifty seconds of irritating silence passed. He was looking directly at Koushi, a wide smile on his face. Koushi’s eyebrow rose. 

“We?”

“Yes, we.” Oikawa walked around the table, which allowed Suga to sit in a more comfortable position while still being able to look at the annoyingly handsome kidnapper. “Have you heard of the King’s Court?”

“Uh,” Koushi replied.

“Right, of course not. We’re the best kept secret.” Oikawa clapped his hands in glee. 

“I don't think that’s it. It sounds like a pretty generic gang name,” Koushi deadpanned. Usually he was all soft smiles and gentle voice; he radiated caring and kindness. Everyone at his university called him Campus Angel. Only his childhood friend Daichi knew how snarky he could be -- he didn’t usually let his inner asshole show. But man, Oikawa has earned his wrath, and then some.

Oikawa just scoffed.

“Whatever. Anyway, we’re pretty famous on the DarkNet. I don’t believe you if you tell me you have no clue who we are.” His smile turned less dopey and silly and more sly, like he was _plotting_ something.

So, maybe Kosuhi _did_ know.

They were assassins, but not just any run-of-the-mill killers for hire. They were the kind of assassins who ruined countries -- they were, simply put, the best of the best. Hard to get in touch with, hard to hire because their expenses were so damn high, impossible to capture. He’d seen their limited information on the FBI files before too. Top priority. There were four of them, all specializing in their own terrible killing methods. 

He could tell which one Oikawa was.

_codename countess  
specializes in seduction and information gathering. highest body count of all of King’s Court._

“Did you know the FBI are calling you Countess?”

Oikawa’s smile fell. “What!? No, that’s _so wrong_! I’m a _king_! Not some _countess_!” He stomped his foot with a whine and Koushi wondered how the hell this giant child could be the one behind so many murders. Like, _really_?

“I don’t know, I think it fits you.”

“Stop distracting me.” Oikawa waved his hand, attempting to keep a calm and serious face when Koushi could practically _feel_ his desire to complain and sulk. “Anyway, as you know, we’re awesome.” Koushi rolled his eyes. “But well, you see, none of us are very good with computers. So. Here’s the deal.” To Koushi’s horror Oikawa plopped right on his lap, pushing his chair back so he could wedge himself between Koushi and the table. The handcuff strained against his skin and he winced. Oikawa put both his hands on Koushi’s shoulders, his stupid grin returning with a vengeance. “You’re right up there on that pretty wanted list, aren’t you? The feds have been chasing you for years, but you always manage to evade them. You live a leisurely college life while hacking into secure files without leaving any trace, doing things even the FBI’s tech whizzes can’t do. It’s kind of hot.”

Koushi glared.

“Right, anyway. Point is, we want you to be the brain behind our operation. Handle all of our finances, our information gathering, keep us safe and cozy. One big happy family.” He ran his fingers across Koushi’s jaw, _his tongue ran up the side of his neck as his hands made their way down his back, agonizingly slow, and he murmured the filthiest things in his ear as his fingers curled and_ \--, Koushi jerked his face away. Oikawa pouted. 

“You could have just asked,” Koushi said.

“Would you have said yes?”

“No.”

Oikawa laughed. “Well, there you have it.” He shifted on Koushi’s lap and leaned close, his breath fanning across Koushi’s face as he spoke in a soft voice. “Looks like I’ll just have to make you fall in love with--“

Koushi jumped when Oikawa let out a strained shout as he was yanked off of Koushi and thrown onto the floor. Koushi was satisfied for all of three seconds before he realized he had to deal with another annoying assassin now. This one was shorter than Oikawa and a lot tanner. He had spiky dark brown hair and sharp, stern eyes -- or maybe he was just glaring at Oikawa, who lay whining on the floor crying out “Iwa-chaaan that was ruuuude!” Why had Koushi decided to let this brat seduce him, again? All he had going for him was a pretty face and really nice hair. That was it.

“Stop trying to grope the recruit,” he snapped. “Sleeping with him was bad enough, now you’re trying for a repeat performance?”

“Like you wouldn’t if he was willing,” Oikawa grumbled. “You’re the one who said he looks like a painting, which is really gay by the way, like even for me and I’m pretty gay.”

This guy, Iwa-chan, looked flabbergasted and just gawked at Oikawa. 

Oikawa continued; “Too bad he doesn’t go for gorillas.”

Iwa-chan smacked him again, harder this time. 

“Um,” Koushi coughed. “As entertaining as this is, I think it’s kind of rude to be acting like some comedy duo when you have a scared, confused captive currently handcuffed to a table.” 

“Scared, sure,” Oikawa chuckled.

“Oikawa explained it to you?” Iwa-chan asked calmly as he casually sat on Oikawa, who let out a grunt then a whine as he flailed helplessly under the short male’s weight. He folded his hands, rested them on his bent knees. He looked ridiculous, but Oikawa looked even more ridiculous, wiggling his arms around like a floundering fish. 

“Sort of,” Koushi admitted.

“I’m Iwaizumi Hajime,” he said with a crooked, charming smile on his face. “I’m not sure what this idiot told you but let me reassure you, knocking you out and tying you up wasn’t part of the plan. At all.”

“I was being creative! Thinking on my feet!”

“Is that why you had sex with him?”

“Ugh,” Oikawa whimpered, giving up his futile fight as he went limp on the ground beneath Iwaizumi (not Iwa-chan, apparently, though Koushi figured as much). His face landed on the ground with a gross _thunk_ sound. Iwaizumi seemed like a calm, collected, _sane_ guy, and despite the situation Koushi kind of liked him. 

Who would have thought he’d be so chill in a situation like this? Maybe it was because these guys didn’t act anything like killers, much less killers as infamous and terrifying as King’s Court (which Koushi still thought was the lamest name he’d ever heard, to be totally honest). They made it so easy not to be scared. 

He wondered if that was their intention.

“We could keep you locked up and force you to do all the tech work with a gun at your head, or you could willingly help us. Become part of the team.” Iwaizumi’s voice was rough but kind, but Koushi knew well enough about the group to know that if he refused, he’d take that cute little gun to the head term very literally. Sure, Koushi was a dime a dozen. He was the best at what he did. But there were others just as good out there, so disposing of him if he didn’t cooperate seemed the obvious choice.

“Let’s get you out of these,” iwaizumi said.

“Yeah, okay,” Koushi said. Iwaizumi got off of Oikawa, who cried out in relief, and walked toward him. He kicked Oikawa, who grumbled as he handed him the key, and unlocked the handcuffs with ease. Iwaizumi’s hands brushed Koushi’s wrists, soft and careful despite his rough exterior and obvious history of, you know, murdering masses in cold blood.

“You’ll meet the others soon,” he said. 

Koushi bit the inside of his cheek. His decision had been made, but he was stalling, trying to see if there was any possible way out of this. Daichi was in school to become an agent (Koushi still smiled at the absolute irony of it all) but it wasn’t like he could swoop in and save him. And Koushi had no faith in the FBI anyway -- he cracked their firewalls and their dirty secrets too many times to take them seriously.

“Yeah, okay,” he said. Oikawa shot up, nearly falling over his own legs, but he managed to lean against Iwaizumi to avoid flopping on his face again like an idiot. Iwaizumi shoved him off immediately. 

“Yeah what?” Oikawa asked as he settled for standing next to Iwaizumi, his hands on his hips. This man was ridiculous. 

“I mean, it’s not like I know where we are, or have any means of getting back. I could refuse and risk dying or being tied up. The obvious choice is so say yeah, okay. I’ll join your uh, court.”

“Please don’t call it that,” Iwaizumi groaned as Oikawa clapped in delight, a huge smile on his face.

“Excellent! Now the bae can work with me in _and_ out of bed!”

Koushi smiled gently. “Maybe when you’re potty trained.”

“Savage,” Iwaizumi whistled, impressed, as Oikawa gasped in utter betrayal. His tone turned serious. “You’ve made the right choice, Sugawara-san.”

He sure hoped so.

Oikawa recovered from Koushi’s fatal blow and bounced over to throw his arm around his shoulders, leaning his head against Koushi’s in an affectionate gesture. Koushi was honestly too tired to even turn away and just let it happen.

“Now we have to think of a cool codename for you! I was thinking, Queen Nerd. Cause you’re my queen but also a nerd, get it?”

_Whack._

“K-Koushi-kun! How could you _hit_ my _face_?!”

“Savage,” Iwaizumi said.

**Author's Note:**

> iwa and oikawa could have made it big as a comedy duo imo idk why they took up killin people for a living ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
